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Karma
just needed somewhere to vent this frustration.
let's begin this with some information with how it all began.
Scarred, fear of failure, afraid of wasting people's time, afraid that all will go down the drain, all these were going through my head 5 months back, while i was dating her. The girl whom helped me see light in relationships again, the one that got me saying "hey.. this could actually work"
the girl whom i know i don't have to fear lying or cheating on me, the girl who "hated" clubbing, so i don't have to worry others doing other things to her.
The same girl that had thoughts about her future, the same one that i thought had a good foresight.
it's been 11months now since we started dating, and this sweet little thing has becomed the karma of my life. She's now a clubber, she seem to have placed her dreams and goals aside and focused on her short term joys.
what happened!?
was it me? i told her to take the job, it was better paid, it could open her eyes to bigger things. but all it did was narrow her down, to want to party, enjoy, and forget about the future.
fuck.
was it me? who allowed this to mutate, to allow this "disease" to cultivate.
and it's not like i don't allow her to club, its not like i mind if she just wants to have fun, do i really have to be out of this picture?
For the first time, my ego was ground low, and if my ego could dig, i'd be 30 levels underneath the floors of the earth. so fucking many times she ignored me, she was cold, or she bashed me through. i still talked to her.
for the impossible number of times, she told me off, and after i raged, i cooled myself down, and try to put the pieces together.
but nothing seems to work, no words nor actions would convince her, that her decision doesn't make sense, that her decision is illogical.
and yet i can't bring myself to tell her that, her decision, is one i cannot live with.
sure... i'll move on.
sure... the next girl will come eventually.
But save me the embarassment, not one of talking to people, but one of bringing another girl back for the first time, for the X time my family has to meet someone new, and tell me it is okay. it is NOT okay, i'm not a manslut anymore, i'm not that manwhore that just needs a new girl for my ego to feast on.
i just need someone there, and i thought i had someone there. one that i could relate with, no she does not dance, no i do not play volleyball. But there was just something...
Random Rant. Wednesday, November 5, 2014
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